Dear Vegans, Please Eat Something!

I’m completely fascinated by people who can be so dedicated to being conscious they don’t eat anything that came from a creature with a face (vegans).

No butter? No ice cream? No cheese to give all those vegetables a little savory oomph? Nope – not for them. It’s all about the righteous, self-policing system that their consumption habits are guilt-free.

Hmmm…If vegans had a higher power to answer to who would their “church” be? PETA!

I love animals and think PETA is a great organization. They’re dramatic and radical and some of their tactics for generating awareness are entertaining and just make me laugh. But I’m a sinner who wants to enjoy delectable edibles made from happy, well-treated animals who are already producing this stuff anyway.

As any wrongdoer who can’t completely commit to strict scripture but who still wants to support the overall cause, what do you do but throw a monetary contribution into the donation bowl so we’re both satiated.

Recently, I bought a cute save the seals shirt, picking my usual small (I’m a size four or six) because after years of checking countless size charts and trying things on in crowded fitting rooms, it’s always the same result – small.

When the shirt finally arrived I could only get one arm in. It wouldn’t even fit over my second shoulder. Holy upset! What is going on? And then I went back and looked at their size chart:


Note to big-busted, “extra-large” women with a chest of 35+ inches, PETA doesn’t want you wearing their apparel! What the heck?? Regular retailers like J. Crew and Gap offer sizes up to a 42+!

Let’s think about his for a minute. PETA runs a huge campaign for “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur.” I don’t recall many, or any, of those women being flat-chested. Uh, Pamela Anderson? Holly Madison? Khloe Kardashian?

Is that part of their “naked” pitch? You can’t fit into our apparel so just go nude! That’s way sexier anyway!

Could this be some super-secret weed out process for those of us who still eat animal products? PETA doesn’t want us animal-inhaling fools flouncing around with their logo stretched across our Mc-sized bodies!

Seriously, vegans you’re throwing the curve! Eat something! How can you be this tiny?

**Please know this blog post is meant for comedic value only and does not reflect the actual opinions of any of these companies or organizations.**


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